[Tango-L] Cabaceo & SAYING "NO"

[Trini y Sean (PATangoS)]

Trini, here.

--- On Tue, 10/19/10, Balazs Gyenis <gyepi at hps.elte.hu> wrote:

. This made me think about how they could handle the
> problem and tried to come up with a solution which (a) could plausibly
> reduce refusal stress, 

Stress is a result of feeling a lack of control.  Give a person a sense of control and stress goes down.  And one always has a choice, even if it is to accept something or not.  That’s my view of the world, anyway.  Psychotherapists are welcome to provide their own knowledge.

If you think about it, the asker gives control to the askee, so the stress is usually more on the person asking for the dance than the one being asked.  The one being asked is in control.  


>  (b) does not lead to a permanent drop in the number of wanted dances, 

This may depend on why partners are sought after.  Are they sought-after because they are really good, or are they sought-after because they’re easy targets?  Those who are really good can pretty much call their own shots.  Those who are easier targets are likely to see a drop in dances.  

Presumably, the women also will not verbally ask the men to dance, which further decreases opportunities to dance.  Trying to get dances only by cabeceo is not easy, and the woman should be prepared to sit.  But I suppose, one of the goals is to be asked less anyway.


> (c) does not count as policing of the community

Skilled dancers who are on the dance floors day-in and day-out, so to speak, often also note who dances with whom.  Some choose their partners or non-partners based on whether they sense how helpful dancers are to other dancers.  It’s not policing, though.


> alternatives. I  thought it's a nice touch to add waiting until the music
> starts.

Nice.


> Even though it turns out to be effective in
> discouraging implementation and is a practical
> demonstration of Trini's claim about the influence of respected local
> authorities on the community, I'd still hope it is unintentional.

I’ve always felt (and stated over the years) that if one gives people enough information, they will make the right choice for themselves.  What I and others on the list have done is provided more information and insights from different perspectives.  Better, I think, to be honest than patronizing.

By the way, Balazs, it’s nice of you to be thinking of these issues and contributing to the tango community.


Trini de Pittsburgh