[Tango-L] Cabaceo & SAYING "NO"

[Balazs Gyenis]

> As for this whole card/cabaceo issue, I wonder if it is all over a single girl who can't say "no"?
  Gosh, how naive I was to think we managed to close this part of the
discussion.
  No, if you want to point fingers, point towards me. I can't count
the times I've heard followers complaining about difficult-to-refuse
guys with whom they would really not want to dance; and although I
never claimed this to be a Pittsburgh phenomenon, yes, it happens here
too. This made me think about how they could handle the problem and
tried to come up with a solution which (a) could plausibly reduce
refusal stress, (b) does not lead to a permanent drop in the number of
wanted dances, and (c) does not count as policing of the community
because it does not force rules on other disinterested followers or
leaders from above. It seemed to me that adopting a personal cabeceo
policy could be a solution, but only if (a) sufficiently many of the
sought-out followers of a community take an interest so that they are
not getting isolated, (b) this group can make it clear and credible
that they are adopting the policy to leaders so to reduce the chance
of misunderstanding, and (c) all leaders get a chance to learn the new
ways before they potentially get refused on its basis. The card and
the idea that it should be launched at a given date was merely a
vehicle to facilitate these goals, I'm sure there are alternatives. I
thought it's a nice touch to add waiting until the music starts.
  When I asked followers and friends - an admittedly biased sample -
for opinions I only met glowing eyes (I certainly don't see women
frequently turning down dances in Pittsburgh, but maybe I'm just not
attentive enough), and I even had friends who were enthusiastic enough
to start to organize other followers to implement it. And so I made
the (with hindsight) mistake to attach one of these emails, which I
found particularly well written, to mine as opposed to reiterate the
idea in my own words. All this you know well; if you skipped over this
in my first email then also for the reason because I explained you
(Trini) so during a recent milonga.
  I really don't mind if the idea turns out to be psychologically
inadequate or socially unfit for this or that reason, either shown by
a cogent argument, or by practice, or by a plausibility argument that
even an attempt to put it in practice is too risky. I take arguments
seriously (professional bias) but I don't take them personally. But to
repeatedly suggest that followers find an idea interesting *because*
they can't say no (because they don't respect themselves enough, need
to grow up etc etc) is a completely unnecessary ad hominem and,
especially in a context where the main issue is thinking about how to
reduce stress to make the milonga experience more pleasant, a
distasteful one. Even though it turns out to be effective in
discouraging implementation and is a practical demonstration of
Trini's claim about the influence of respected local authorities on
the community, I'd still hope it is unintentional.

-- 
Balazs Gyenis
Department of History and Philosophy of Science, University of Pittsburgh
1017 Cathedral of Learning, Pittsburgh, PA 15260, USA
http://www.pitt.edu/~gyepi