[Tango-L] Socio-ethical behavior

[Charles Roques]

nicetune wrote:

> Recently, I went to a milonga with my ex-girlfriend, (an experienced 
> milonguera) in this city in mid Florida.  We both knew most of the other
> dancers and they
> were familiar with us and our relationship except for few (3 or 4) new
> guests.  That night, I got to dance only one tanda with her as she 
> danced
> again and again with a newcomer (unknown to me), enthusiastically 
> talking while
> waiting during the cortinas.  She showed an evident flirtatious attitude
> (accommodating her hair with both arms up, and other well known 
> seductive
> gestures and postures).  She walked several times to where the gentleman
> was sitting and invited him to dance. In addition, he danced almost 
> exclusively
> with her.  I was astonished by her behavior and began steaming up. 
> 
> 
> 
> She got offended later on after the dance, when I tried to discuss
> her behavior at the milonga.  She categorically denied my observations,
> refused to discuss the issue arguing that she did not know what I was talking
> about and that "I'm an insecure man." Then, she sabotaged our
> relationship by being angry, refusing any reasonable dialog, arguing that
> she had to “lick her wounds.” We broke up two days later.
> 
> 
> 
> Although all this may be irrelevant to the tread, what is interesting to point
> out, is the fact that I was judged to be an angry, judgmental, jealous, and
> controlling man by few of her close friends who, considered that she had done
> nothing wrong.  
> 
> 
> On the other hand, some other dancers, shared my opinion; according to them she
> had exhibited tactless, inconsiderate, and even improper behavior, placing
> me in a humiliating position; all of this aggravated by her subsequent
> inability to have a rational discussion, adopting a defensive, haughty, and
> resentful stance.




Not to be harsh but better to come to the point.  It seems that this is about two things that don't have a lot to do with tango etiquette, to wit, either she doesn't think much of your dancing, and/or she has lost interest in you romantically.

The fact that she would flaunt that kind of behavior in front of you and then try to make you feel guilty for being upset is a rather classic case of manipulation.  Even if she didn't berate you and turn it back on you, it is still unacceptable behavior on a personal level.  You are better off without her.  I would have been just as angry. Let her lick her (self-inflicted) wounds.  Even saying THAT to you is manipulative. 

btw the term milonguero and milonguera are almost never used outside of Buenos Aires, or at least shouldn't be.  They refer to the older longtime dancers who have reached a certain status in the clubs there.  Never for an American or foreigner.  If that is what she is calling herself then it only reflects her arrogance, another reason to forget her.   

Tango can be tough on relationships, but being the ultimate rebound dance there are always more partners.  Move on.

Cheers
Charles