[Tango-L] Chicho interview - "Violent Milonguero" vs. "nice close embrace": what to do?

[Anton Stanley]

Joanne wrote: "She does not have to dance with anyone she does not want to
dance with.  If the men hold it against her, then we might as well as be
living in a police state, eh???
Teachers need to teach their women students that IT IS OK TO SAY NO, and
why.  If women do not uphold the standards of good dancing, then all will
"go to xxxx in handbasket:", as they say."


The cabeceo gives ultimate power to the woman to refuse a dance without
publicly injuring the ego or dignity of the suitor. Why is it such a
problem for Western women to practice it? Is the problem that W. Women don't
want to appear to be soliciting for a dance. Why can't they admit they want
a dance? Natural law would suggest that leaders who constantly fail to win a
dance, will either fade away, or re-engineer themselves to become more
successful. It's got that Tango feel about it don't you think?

Joanne wrote: " I would rather dance with a green-as-grass beginner than be
manhandled by a guy who has been dancing for several years but has no
quality or respect."

In my heart I agree with Joanne's sentiments. But how do I know what a woman
wants? Even though 3 years and countless lessons have ticked by since I
embarked on tango, my greatest battle still lies in understanding how each
woman wants to be embraced and led. Although I believe this to be the most
important aspect of the dance, I think I have had minimal instruction on
what is ideal. "invite and then follow"; "take me with you"; "strong lead";
"gentle lead" "gentle embrace"; "firm embrace"; "soft" "hard" etc. It
appears one size does not fit all. I have experimented to show that a
forceful embrace is welcomed during certain moves whilst totally rejected if
employed in say a normal walk or initial embrace. I feel so frustrated that
instincts that come naturally to a born dancer have to be learned by guys
like myself. When my mindset is on being sensitive and caring I'm in grave
danger of being too soft. When I adjust to being assertive I can easily fall
into manhandling. What I need is a leader to manhandle me so I know what the
boundary's are. I need someone that can make me feel what the correct
embrace should be. Maybe the beauty of tango is the process of learning the
embrace and how to deploy it during a dance.

Anton