[Tango-L] Social rejection

[Nina Pesochinsky]

Trini,

I think that the most efficient way to help people/students deal with  
dance, rejection, fear of failure/performance, etc. is to hand them a  
book "The Four Agreements"  the moment they enter a beginner tango  
class for the first time. Give them four days to read it and then give  
them a short quiz.  If they pass, let them into the class. One of the  
agreements is "Take nothing personally".

Haven't tried that yet, but it might work. :)

Nina






Quoting "Trini y Sean (PATangoS)" <patangos at yahoo.com>:

>
> --- On Mon, 9/29/08, Nina Pesochinsky <nina at earthnet.net> wrote:
>
>> The important thing to remember is that we do not always know
>> what might trigger the other person.
>
> You're right, Nina, and although I appreciate your sensitivity   
> toward others, I do not espouse taking responsibility for another's   
> emotional response.  In fact, what we might think of as possibly   
> triggering pain for someone else, might do the exact opposite.    
> There've been quite a few times, when I've had to be very direct   
> with people, knew I had caused them pain, but also was thanked by   
> them later for doing what I did.
>
> For some of my students, there's a process I think of as "cutting   
> the apron strings" or "pushing them out of the nest".  I'm sure   
> others have to do this, too.  It's a phase for beginners who begin   
> to demonstrate overdependence on their teachers or have difficulty   
> separating professional responsibilities from personal friendships.   
>  Basically, it's having to turn them down if they ask me to dance at  
>  a milonga or to help them work on something at a practice (and  
> there  are others that they can work with instead).  I know why  
> they're  asking - because it's easier for them to work/dance with me  
> that  with other people.  But I also know that that is not always  
> good for  their tango development for me to always say "yes".  And  
> certainly  not good for me to feel smothered.
>
> What I've learned to do to make rejection easier is to simply avoid   
> prolonged eye contact.  So I'll look at someone initially and even   
> engage in conversation, but my eyes will be directed mainly at the   
> dance floor.  Basically, I'll look as if I am pre-occupied studying   
> others (which is usually true, anyway).  So when a rejection comes,   
> it doesn't come off as being against them but more about my having   
> other things on my mind.
>
> The other side to this is to also let people know that they are   
> going to make mistakes, that Rome wasn't built in a day, and that   
> there's nothing wrong with being inexperienced.  And if they don't   
> build up their expectations unrealistically, then rejection isn't as  
>  painful as it would otherwise be.
>
> Trini de Pittsburgh
>
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