[Tango-L] Social rejection

[Trini y Sean (PATangoS)]

--- On Mon, 9/29/08, Nina Pesochinsky <nina at earthnet.net> wrote:
 
> The important thing to remember is that we do not always know
> what might trigger the other person.

You're right, Nina, and although I appreciate your sensitivity toward others, I do not espouse taking responsibility for another's emotional response.  In fact, what we might think of as possibly triggering pain for someone else, might do the exact opposite.  There've been quite a few times, when I've had to be very direct with people, knew I had caused them pain, but also was thanked by them later for doing what I did.

For some of my students, there's a process I think of as "cutting the apron strings" or "pushing them out of the nest".  I'm sure others have to do this, too.  It's a phase for beginners who begin to demonstrate overdependence on their teachers or have difficulty separating professional responsibilities from personal friendships.  Basically, it's having to turn them down if they ask me to dance at a milonga or to help them work on something at a practice (and there are others that they can work with instead).  I know why they're asking - because it's easier for them to work/dance with me that with other people.  But I also know that that is not always good for their tango development for me to always say "yes".  And certainly not good for me to feel smothered.

What I've learned to do to make rejection easier is to simply avoid prolonged eye contact.  So I'll look at someone initially and even engage in conversation, but my eyes will be directed mainly at the dance floor.  Basically, I'll look as if I am pre-occupied studying others (which is usually true, anyway).  So when a rejection comes, it doesn't come off as being against them but more about my having other things on my mind.

The other side to this is to also let people know that they are going to make mistakes, that Rome wasn't built in a day, and that there's nothing wrong with being inexperienced.  And if they don't build up their expectations unrealistically, then rejection isn't as painful as it would otherwise be.

Trini de Pittsburgh