[Tango-L] Social rejection

[Nina Pesochinsky]

Hi, Tine and everyone,

I can't prescribe ways of making rejection less painful in tango.  I 
can only aspire to bring some awareness.  It is important that each 
person decides for himself/herself how to use any information on this 
subject.  Those who truly want to avoid causing unnecessary pain, 
will develop their own strategies and their own unique styles of communication.

We can look at what hurts people in tango as dance rejection.  It 
could be many things - not being asked, not being asked by people who 
used to ask, not being asked by specific people one wants to dance 
with, verbally and non-verbally saying "no", avoiding to the point of 
a showing clear intention not to dance with a person, etc.  The 
important thing to remember is that we do not always know what might 
trigger the other person.

In regard to rejection in tango, I like looking at the proper 
boundaries of each situation.  There are things that we can control 
and things that we cannot.  It is helpful to know that difference 
within the unique context of each situation.  If one can say a polite 
and warm hello instead of dancing and keep moving, it is one 
thing.  If one is cornered into a verbal exchange and has to say 
"no", that is a completely different situation.

The other thing to look at is values.  I know several women that 
continue to dance with men they hate dancing with.  When asked why 
they do so, the answer is the same from all of them - they don't want 
to hurt anyone's feelings.  To these women, the pain of hurting 
someone's feelings is greater than the pain of dancing with 
them.  This is important to know.  It is about what each person 
values.  This touches on the very core of who the person is.

I think that how good a person is with himself/herself also 
determines how graceful and less painful their rejection can be.  I 
like to make a distinction between who the people are vs. their 
behavior/conduct.  In tango, as in all relationships (I hate this 
word), it is much better to reject a person's dancing, but not the 
person.  This requires charm.

Rejection is unavoidable.  What makes a difference is how it is 
delivered.  If you remember that each grown up person is just a kid 
in a big body, you will know how to make your choices in a kinder way.

My very best regards,

Nina

At 09:01 AM 9/29/2008, you wrote:
>Hi Nina,
>Could you elaborate to the list on the ways to make rejection less 
>painful in tango?
>Thank you
>Tine
>
>On Mon, Sep 29, 2008 at 8:43 AM, Nina Pesochinsky 
><<mailto:nina at earthnet.net>nina at earthnet.net> wrote:
>Hello, everyone,
>
>I received a few private replies arguing that "rejection in tango is
>OK, just like anything else in life".  To set things straight - just
>because it exists, it does not make it acceptable or OK.
>
>Naomi Eisenberger, PhD, has done a lot of research in the area of
>social rejection.  She used electroencephalogram (QEEG) scans to map
>the brain's response to rejection.  Her research has shown that
>social rejection lights up the same parts of the brain as physical
>pain.  He original work was her dissertation in 1996 and she has
>published extensively since then on this topic.  If you have access
>to an academic online library, you should be able to access her
>publications fairly easily.  Very elegant research.
>
>There is a reason why I am hooking into this subject for
>tango.  There are ways to handle things without provoking the
>feelings of social rejection in people.  There are also remedies to
>make things better should painful social interaction occur.
>
>We can't control what might trigger someone else, but we can avoid
>inflicting pain on others if we are aware of what, generally, might
>do that.  Awareness is important.
>
>Best,
>
>Nina
>
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