[Tango-L] Ecstasis and Control

[Valerie Dark]

On Thu, Mar 27, 2008 at 12:25 PM,  <buffmilonguera at aol.com> wrote:
> I have always been taught, as a follower and leader, that both parties
> have to feel comfortable in the embrace.  This means that, if I am
> leading a partner I do not know, I might ask if close embrace is
> comfortable, or I'd simply offer an open embrace, moving into close
> embrace if my partner offers it.  Even when followers say they'd rather
> dance in open embrace, it is not uncommon that, during the tanda as
> folks relax, we will move into the close embrace I had offered before
> the dance.

Nobody should ever be under any compulsion to do something that he or
she doesn't want to do. It sounds a little creepy to be restricted and
instructed that I have no will, although I wasn't there, so I don't
really know what that experience felt like.

There is a lot to negotiate about the embrace. Everyone's sense of
personal space must be respected. I find there are some interesting
cultural differences in how these feelings are accommodated.

In classes in North America, I've heard teachers tell leaders that the
woman decides how close she is willing to dance with her partner. In
this approach, the man offers an embrace and the woman chooses to step
in close or not.

It never worked like that for me in Argentina. The men just put me
where they want me and that's it. I like it. There's no guesswork.
There is no negotiation. They choose, I go there. I don't feel
oppressed. I feel taken care of. It's pretty nice!

What if I don't want to dance close with a particular man? Easy.
Decline the invitation. That's one reason people sit and watch the
dancing a lot more in Argentina. If I accept an invitation in the
first place, the presumption is that I'm going to dance the way the
man wants to dance. That's why I want to watch first and see if I'm
going to be all right with that. I don't negotiate the embrace when I
start to dance with him. The negotiation occurred when he looked at
me, nodded, and I decided whether or not to nod back.

I find this a lot more peaceful and easy to deal with than our scene.
It's a little uncomfortable turning down someone who stands in front
of me and sticks out his hand. (I HATE that.) Not only that, I have
never seen a North American milonga that had reserved seating like in
Buenos Aires. If you have your own spot, it's a lot easier to be calm
and just look at the dancing. Then you can size up who you want to
focus on to get dances. The milling around in our milongas is harder
for me to deal with. I feel like I stick out if I'm standing around
not dancing, and I don't have a buffer zone to protect me from the
invitations that I want to decline.

Reserved seating: let's have more (or even one) Buenos Aires-like milongas!

Val

-- 
Cryptic Ember - The tango blog of Valerie Dark
http://crypticember.blogspot.com