[Tango-L] Surplus Tanguera - Not

[Skip Augustine]

Hello Tango-L-

I have been a silent observer of this list for some time, preferring to
"keep my mouth shut and be thought a fool, than to open it and remove all
doubt", but I think that now may be a good time to risk it and speak up. I
am a (male) member of the San Diego tango community, and would like to add a
few random observations and anecdotes to supplement what Brick wrote:

1. We do, indeed, frequently have more leaders than followers at our better
milongas. I am one of those who likes to hear the music before deciding
whether to dance and selecting a partner, and have sat out many a tanda of
music I would love to dance to, because by the time the music started there
was no one appropriate left to dance with. It is very common for a good
follower to have a cluster of two or three men around her chatting her up
(and thereby hoping to get a dance) the moment she gets off the dance floor.
I was unaware of women feeling the need to hide, though.

2. Cabaceo generally cannot be used here. Many of the women don't know about
it, and our community is rather informal and the regulars know one another
well enough that I think many of the women would think themselves
pretentious if they insisted on it. I do not like to be aggressive in
soliciting a dance, so what I tend to do is approach close enough to get
within the woman's "zone of attention"--unfortunately sometimes as little as
five feet--and wait for eye contact without being too intrusive. Then a nod
will usually be sufficient to convey my intentions. Unfortunately, though,
it is not at all uncommon while doing this to have another leader walk right
up to her (even if she is in conversation with someone), stick out his hand
and say "Would you like to dance?", and the lady will accept.

3. Dancing multiple consecutive tandas with the same partner is my major pet
peeve. The tango etiquette that I learned is that you invite a woman to
dance, and when the tanda is over you escort her off the floor, preferably
in the direction of where she is sitting, and find another partner if you
want to dance the next tanda. If you want to dance with that lady again, you
wait an "appropriate" amount of time, and invite her to dance again. (The
exception to this rule is if you are dancing with someone with whom you have
a mutual romantic attachment.) We have several leaders in our community that
I unapologetically refer to as tango hogs. They dance a tanda, usually with
a desirable follower, and then stay on the dance floor and engage the lady
in conversation for the duration of the cortina. Then it's "Oh, more music!
Would you like to dance another?" This regularly happens, and can last for
anywhere from three to six tandas.

4. Some responders to this thread have suggested that the DJ is in some way
responsible for this situation. I respectfully (and vehemently) disagree.
The DJ's job is to play music that a majority of the people will like, and
maintain the energy of the milonga through the selection of music. The DJ is
not an etiquette policeman (or woman), even through indirect means, such as
inclusion or omission of cortinas. I consider the DJ at many of the milongas
where all this rude (imo) behavior is taking place to be the best in San
Diego, and on par with DJs in Buenos Aires.

Now, after all this rambling, I do have a question. My observations are
those of a male leader, and are unavoidably biased by that fact. What's
puzzling me is why do the women put up with this behavior? Do they like the
attention, and don't find it rude, or are they too polite, or timid, to
speak up if they don't like it? Or what?

Now, as this is my first post to this list, I hope I won't need my Nomex
skivvies, but I've got them on nonetheless. Based on my past observations,
I'll probably need them.

Regards,
Skip A. (re-cloaking)