[Tango-L] Igor's Question: a woman's perspective

Tue Oct 2 12:34:23 EDT 2007

Hello All,

  This is my first time posting... I don't like to be considered someone that "lurks" on the list without ever responding back... yes, I'm a bit of a voyeur.  I enjoyed the Heel-Toe discussion that went on for far too long, etc. and was a bit dismayed that more of a discussion about "perverts" didn't linger longer.  Such are the whims of a discussion list.  Also, thankfully, most of us just have better things to do... like DANCE.

  But I thought I'd give my answer to your question, Igor.

  When I first started dancing tango a lot of women were nice and a lot weren't so nice to me.  They have the basic societal issue of "competition" and were none too pleased there was yet another female to contend with.  An attractive female the men wanted to dance with (no matter how unskilled I was) didn't help matters.  I purposefully go out of my way to make sure that women, and especially attractive women, feel welcome and warm and accepted because of my lukewarm reception when I first started.  I genuinely am happy to have them -- BTW, it doesn't matter what size you are, how old you are, how much money you have, etc. to be attractive.  Just making the effort to look your best is all.

  Here I am, a woman, about to tell you what I think men are up to.  Sorry to burst some of your bubbles... we women are smarter than we look.  We also may not be exactly right in all cases so this is just my opinion.  Thanks for allowing me to share it.

  Basically, men want to dance with attractive women that smell nice, are good conversationalists, etc. and make them feel good about themselves.  When a guy is new, he doesn't have a clue about the "proper" embrace.  A strong lead can take an inexperienced woman and make her look and FEEL great.  A weak lead feels completely intimidated and like a blubbering idiot.

  I have over many years invited, coerced and bribed (with the promise of a date, if you will, for some fellow that actually learned tango) many men to visit our community with the goal of adding them to the Argentine Tango herd.  I have grabbed them from West Coast Swing, East Coast Swing, Country/Western and my former boyfriend (before Tango became my "boyfriend"), Salsa.  I've given free lessons, cheap lessons and encouraged them to go someplace else for group or private lessons, etc.

  They're consensus?  Gosh, I hope you're sitting down.  They didn't like the music.

  Okay, there, I've said it.  Please don't get all your tailfeathers ruffled over yet another discussion about "traditional, alternative, neo, nuevo," etc. on me.  This isn't about that well-worn topic.  Of the 40 or so men, NONE liked the music.  They danced the other stuff because it was what they could hear a beat to, or dance to without thinking or whatever.  What does that tell me?  These guys dance to get laid.  The go to hold women.  They're doing the same thing many of us single people are doing: they're looking for love.  My fault that I didn't find a "dancer" amongst them -- I just didn't get that right!

  Our AT is much more sacred than that.  We cull the herd of the players pretty easily and quickly.  You MUST become obsessed with the dance and to many of the men, they know they're goal was to meet a chick and move on to other things.  How many of us know of a particular guy or gal that once they found someone (in whatever dance form / style it happened to be) they NEVER went to tango anymore?  I can think of 3 couples from my former AT community.  How many of us know a guy in our communities right now that really only dances tango as a means to find yet another vulnerable, gullible woman he has absolutely no intention of developing anything more serious with than an affair because he is a MILONGUERO in the worst possible way?  And we "let" them do it because, dammit, they're good dancers!

  Don't blame them.  They have a goal.  They've succeeded.

  I always am excited when I meet a man that hasn't danced anything.  He doesn't have any preconceived notions.  These are our victims (oops, I mean... targets... oops, I mean... people of interest to focus our recruiting goals on).

  We come to tango for many reasons.

  We are the lucky ones that, for whatever reason we came to tango, FOUND tango.  Who cares about finding the other things?  Perhaps, we reason, we'll eventually find that.  It is no longer the goal if it ever was.

  When I was a cocktail waitress, in those crazy times known as the 80's, one particular evening a man, shirt open to the navel, hairy chest, gold chains, was "talking up" some women in my section.  I came to their rescue and explained that since he came over to meet the women and he'd done just that, he should now move on.  Well, he went and complained to the Owner (not just a bartender or manager, mind you -- I really ticked him off).  The owner had a bit of a talk with me but did an about face when I simply explained to him my modus operandi -- I always concentrate on the women.  If he doesn't have happy, attractive women in his establishment, he won't have any men.  Folks, I didn't lose my job... lol ;) 

  Igor, this is the harsh reality of our societal existence: to "make tango more attractive to men" we just need to keep as many attractive females around.  BTW, it wouldn't do us any harm to have really, hot, young, gorgeous men around, too, right ladies?

  As for men that aren't masculine enough... yup.  This is tricky.  I don't like to dance with effeminate men that are spaghetti noodles.  You guys know what I mean because I hear you men tell me about so-n-so women, etc. doing that exact same thing.  I've worked with a few of my gay friends (from when I modeled, etc. -- not from dancing, okay?) to "butch" up their walk, etc. but they are just of the stubborn variety (like us all, duh!) that think someone should love them for who they are (how sophomoric, right?) -- kidding.  I think what women don't want is a guy that thinks he's straight that really is gay lurking (there's that word again) in tango parlors.  We want men that are men that are good dancers.

  Men want women that are women that are good dancers.

  Bottom line:  there's no easy answer here.

  We already have alternative tango nights.  We play stuff that borders on undanceable to the DIEHARD traditionalists (you know, the dancers that, more than likely have been to our sacred Buenos Aires and so therefore, "know" what tango really is, the ones that have completely forgotten what it was like when they first started dancing and someone was kind enough to focus on music they knew or could easily find a beat to, the ones that maybe were given patterns, the ones who now REFUSE to dance to alternative or with beginners).  You people MAY be responsible for keeping tango elitist, snobbish, incestuous and inbred by sticking to your guns on this... maybe not.)

  Maybe patterns are easier for our beginning men so we need to remember to listen to our students to find out what they need.  I wasn't taught patterns until I started going to group lessons.  Until then, all I did was dance.

  Better dancers need to dance with beginners... both leaders and followers.  Make people comfortable and feel welcome.

  I owe a debt of gratitude to all the dancers before me.  I don't have as much experience (only dancing AT 6 years).  I try to be open-minded... thinking one day I may be exactly like them and unable to bring myself to dance ever again with a beginner -- I'm almost there, folks, really (and fearful of that, you have no idea).  You'd have to know me to know my intentions with tango... but, generally speaking, being elitist isn't it.

  I hope to see many of you at the Portland Tango Fest!

  Abrazos,

  Darlene
  www.myspace.com/luv2dancetango

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