[Tango-L] tell me why someone can not stand comparison of a dancer to a musical instrument

[Carol Shepherd]

This dispute about the metaphors is really about two different 
underlying issues: collaboration in partner dance, and respecting the 
feelings of others.


Collaborative contributions to a tango
--------------------------------------
Some of us evidently think that the collaborative ratio of creative 
contribution in a tango is always 100% leader, 0% follower (ie, no 
collaboration).  (Any women in that camp?  I would be interested to 
know.)  Others feel that the collaborative ratio might ideally be 51% 
leader, 49% follower, like jazz musicians improvising off each other.

To me the collaborative ratio ideally is 60%-80% lead and 40-20% follow. 
  Even a single ratio is too simple: it slides back and forth through a 
single dance.  The lead could be a 100% decision maker in a certain part 
of the dance and collaborate with the follow in a pause in the music 
(adornos etc), and then it returns to 100% lead again.  Or a lead could 
be completely flexible throughout, waiting for the follow to contribute 
something interesting at any point, and work off that.  I notice that 
some leads like to control the lyrical part of a tango but are more 
interested in collaboration during the choppier parts that build tension 
in the music.  Some days I like to follow 100% and contribute nothing.

Let me acknowledge that it's HARDER for leads to collaborate.  They 
already have to think ahead and have a plan what to do, communicate it 
to the follow, navigate the floor traffic, and respond on the fly to the 
follow's ability to follow or not follow the lead (she might be on a 
different foot or not understand the lead).  Making the planning part 
into a conversation adds a very challenging layer of complexity to the 
process.  Some leads are overwhelmed by collaboration and other leads 
simply don't want to.

I agree with Krasimir's point that a dance can become murky (and feel 
icky) because too much dominance being asserted back and forth can 
easily become a battle rather than a duet.  But I think a murky dance is 
primarily caused by mismatches in several other things (partner skill, 
familiarity with partner, paying attention to partner, flexibility in 
response to change).  It all boils down to "know your partner."

There are certain partners we click with and the dance is enjoyable, and 
other partners that we just don't seem to click with.  After a few spins 
we know whom we have dance chemistry with.


Women's feelings and respect for them
-------------------------------------

Men:

Specifically in the context of social dancing (but not romantic love or 
poetry or many other contexts) -- women in the U.S. are offended by the 
idea that a follower is an inanimate object being manipulated by the 
leader to create his own expression of the dance.  OFFENSIVE TO US. 
OFFENSIVE TO YOUR DANCE PARTNERS.  There is no "why".  It just "is". 
This is the social and moral equivalent of telling an African-American 
that racist jokes, or being legally required to sit in the back of the 
bus due to skin color, should not bother them.  This is like asking them 
"why" they feel bad about racism.

The possible choices for you in this matter are:  A. Do not hurt our 
feelings in this way.  B.  Hurt our feelings in this way.

"Convincing us that our feelings are illogical so the feelings will go 
away" is not a possible choice -- any more than "deciding that gravity 
will not apply to you today" is a possible choice.

If you seek to understand these feelings, read Michael's post below. 
Better yet, learn to follow, and dance for several hours following some 
leader who controls 100% of everything and gets irritated with you if 
you deviate even a hair's breadth from his plan.

Michael wrote:
> Igor:
> I'm not going to justify a woman's feelings but something similar happened to me. I was a dance host on a cruise ship. There was no Argentine Tango  but there was American tango. The only person who I regularly danced American tango with was a 88 year old (not typo) woman on vacation with her 98 (no typo) husband. We were the only ones on the floor dancing tango.
> 
> After we danced, Flora got all the compliments and I got none. Finally, one night, I said out loud "And I guess I did NOTHING!!" It felt like I got NO recognition for my skill by making Flora look good on the floor.
> 
> Dancing tango is supposed to be a partnership where BOTH partners get credit for their skill and creativity. Anything that eliminates credit for one of the partners with the other claiming he did all the "all the work" would upset the other person.
> 
> When I compliment a woman, I specifically mention her skill or creativity. If she moves well, I'll tell her she glides like a skater across the ice because minimal effort is needed to lead. If she does excellent adornments, I'll tell her I regret I can't see them while dancing. I tell her what she did well without comparison to an object.
> 
> For men who don't understand, I'll try this comparison, which I'm sure will get me into trouble. How would YOU feel if a woman said after making love, "It was like having sex with a vibrator?" If that doesn't work, I'm sure the women can come up with better examples.
> 
> Michael Ditkoff
> Washington, DC
> One week to New Year's Eve in New York at www.celebratetango.com
> 
> ----- Original Message ----- 
> From: "Igor Polk" <ipolk at virtuar.com>
> To: <Tango-L at mit.edu>
> Sent: Saturday, December 22, 2007 11:37 PM
> Subject: [Tango-L] tell me why someone can not stand comparison of a dancer to a musical instrument
> 
> 
> Please, tell me why someone can not stand comparison of a dancer to a musical instrument.
> 
> Igor Polk
> 
> 
> 
> _______________________________________________
> Tango-L mailing list
> Tango-L at mit.edu
> http://mailman.mit.edu/mailman/listinfo/tango-l
> 

-- 
Carol Ruth Shepherd
Arborlaw PLC
Ann Arbor MI USA
734 668 4646 v  734 786 1241 f
Arborlaw - a legal blog for entrepreneurs and small business
http://arborlaw.com