[Tango-L] Fwd: Flying Dutchman

[rockies@comcast.net]

Carol Said:
> Wow, a lot of lead-bashing going on this week.  Sorry guys! :(
> 
> I understand the social darwinist urges behind wanting to purge the 
> Supreme Master Race of Tango Dancers of those who are less than 
> perfectly skilled...but the success of such a project raises a more 
> immediate and practical concern: if we don't allow for human frailty and 
> mistakes, how are beginners ever going to learn to dance? (let alone, to 
> ENJOY it).

Yes, you're correct. If we don't have some forgiveness and compassion for beginners, there will be fewer and fewer of them taking up the dance. 
> 
> 
> Leading is a zillion times harder than following.  What a luxury, Fan, 
> to be able to 'close your eyes'--this means that a leader has learned 
> pretty much everything there is to learn, and is able and willing to 
> provide you, the follow, with such a secure and protective yet sensual 
> environment and experience.  This is a GIFT to you and it comes after 
> long and hard investment in learning dance skills.  Let's not denigrate 
> that investment, or make it impossible, or unpalatable.
> 
> The suggestion that it's the FOLLOWER'S FAULT that there are bad leads, 
> because they dance with men who happen to be bad leads?  Oh, please. 
> I'm not going to fall into that trap, where I'm supposed to turn someone 
> down and every other lead in the room makes a mental note and penalizes 
> me forever as a dance rejecter.  

Unfortunately, this is true, but not all leaders are that observant, if you say yes more than no, then they won't label you as a dance rejecter. If you say no more than once to the individual though (which is what Igor and the other person were talking about) then that person almost always tags you as a dance rejecter for the remainder of their dance days. Many followers have experienced it. Many leaders (men) practice it. Personally, if I am turned down three times, then I do not ask again, ever. I could become the best leader in the country, but I still would not ask that person to dance. However, it has happened that a follower who was once a regular partner rejected me several times a couple of years ago, and suddenly changed her mind recently. Since she asked, I consented. I know one leader who, if he is turned down once, never asks again. Why do leaders stop asking, for good? Because they don't like rejection. They presume they know what the answer is going to be before
  they 
even ask, so why bother? Does that imply a 'porcelain ego' as someone suggested. Well, how would *you* like it if you were expected to ask for dances instead of having someone ask you? Would you be disappointed if someone said no?  Hurt? There are valid reasons for not wanting to dance with someone. Mine are a) the follower is physically hurting me by using me for balance (hanging), and b) poor hygiene Nobody should feel bad about saying no to a dance, but there will be some consequences. Not everyone will react the same way. There are some who are resilient. There are generally enough followers who will dance with a leader, even if he is not so great. Also, those of similar skill level will naturally gravitate towards each other. If you want to actually *have* some fantastic leaders to dance with, be prepared to do your share to foster their growth. That means dancing with a less than ideal partner now and then. You don't have to do it all night, but dedicate a small slice o
 f your
 time to it, early in the milonga or at practicas. What this does is show the leaders (or followers, if we reverse the situation) that you are magnanimous and have a little compassion. It's also good for your soul, believe it or not. Then, down the road you will have more partners to dance with. 

If it is couched right, there is no reason that a person cannot tell someone that they should improve their dance. An all out assault on someone never works well, but, polite suggestion does. The people you help will be eternally grateful. I have one regular partner to whom I am such... when I was a beginner, she gave me twenty minutes of her time to teach me the proper lead for ochos at a practica. I didn't have the nerve to ask her to dance, as she is an advanced follower with many years experience. She asked me instead, at a practica. Four years later, she said to me at the same practica during a tanda 'you don't know what a gift it is that you give to women, allowing them to drift off. It's amazing.'  I told her that I had never forgotten her, even though we did not dance again for years after that initial help session. So it works both ways, you can alienate someone forever, or, you can have their gratitude forever, and some time in the future hook up with them as a wond
 erful 
partner later. 


I didn't make the sun come up today, 
> and it's not my fault there are bad leaders.  Why should I put my social 
> capital and dance reputation at risk??  I'm just a paying customer out 
> for an evening's enjoyment (there's that "enjoy" word again...yes, I 
> insist that dancing be enjoyable, or else!).
> 
> While each lead obviously bears the ultimate responsibility for how he 
> dances...let's face it, he did get some help in remaining awful.  How 
> about looking in the direction of tango instructors and milonga 
> organizers?  Unlike the follow, they are actually on the clock, getting 
> paid as professionals, when these problems arise and begin to 
> fester...and continue to fester.
> 
> I'd say that the dance teacher who over-emphasizes patterns and allows 
> leads to fritter endlessly in a corner (or worse, the middle of the 
> floor) repeating the same intermediate-advanced move is a lot more 
> responsible for bad navigation skills than the follow who graciously 
> accepts a dance.  (I know, it's easier to take someone's money for a 
> bunch of floor patterns than it is to:  a. be brutally honest with a 
> paying customer about their shortcomings, thereby risking their status 
> as a paying customer; and b. actually teach them some social dancing 
> skills, which don't come easily and which they will undoubtedly feel 
> inept at, for some time, thereby risking their status as a paying customer).

I don't know that you can make the teachers or organizers responsible for this. As with any social behaviour, one learns from being in the social situation. If they make a mistake, they are shunned. In effect, not dancing with them does this. One can also be taught proper etiquette by a mentor, and the teachers are the mentors. So they really *should* be teaching their students proper floor craft, if they can do it. Probably the most important thing that a beginner needs to know (and this should be passed on by the teacher, at least once with emphasis) is that it's more important to avoid a collision than it is to maintain continuity of steps. Your follower will quickly forgive you the missed step for preventing a crash, especially if you say 'sorry, we were about to hit someone, and I do not want you to be hurt.' Leaders are then doing their duty... to protect, which is more important. That doesn't mean followers like missed steps if they are happening all the time, but it's
  far p
referable to taking a stiletto heel in the calf. Teachers would have a difficult time teaching floor craft, because they cannot simulate a social dance situation easily, although it would be a good exercise for them to try to create a small area (perhaps with chairs) and force a simulated tight milonga for the students, at least once. It is difficult enough for the beginner to even learn the steps however, let alone navigate.  Beginners can really only learn to navigate properly through experience in the actual milonga-like situation, and the short period of a class is not going to be enough to teach a person to navigate instantly. 

Cheers,

Randy F