[Tango-L] Buenos Aires Mystery

[Janis Kenyon]

RoseHolly at aol.com wrote:
...
<<Then one night, I went  to Salon Canning. I was with a friend I had met in
Buenos Aires, not a local but  a Mexican man who spends a month of every
year there working on his  technique, knows a lot of people and is a very
good dancer. My friend had reserved a table, and we were seated at the outer
edge . . .  >>

    I will make a guess that you were in Salon Canning on a Tuesday night
when there are many foreigners.  You were seated with your friend.  In a
traditional milonga, that means you are going to dance only with him.

<<My friend went to change his shoes and pay his respects to various
important people, and other
than chatting with the nice older couple, I was careful not to make eye
contact  with anybody. It was my first time there, I didn't know the crowd
or the
floor,  and I wanted my first tanda to be with my friend.>>

    He left you alone, unguarded.  Foreign men change their shoes at a
milonga; portenos do not.  It was a dead giveaway that you are a tourist.
That meant you were prey to anyone willing to approach you.  Being seated
with a man means you are there to dance with him.  Those who don't know or
follow milonga tradition will ask women who are seated with a man.

<<This is where the mystery began. Within a few minutes of my friend
leaving
me at our table, a man tapped me on my shoulder, from behind. When I  looked
around he asked me to dance.>>

    It's the latest tactic by poor dancers who don't know how to invite a
woman from a distance.  I saw it last week and wrote about it on Tango-L.
Tourists come to dance, so they don't mind a tap on the shoulder.  It is
better to ignor the men who do this.

<<I was quite taken aback and explained
apologetically (in my bad Spanish) that I was saving my first dance for the
gentleman I
had arrived with, at which point this man fell all over himself  apologizing
for having asked.>>

    It is possible that he understood that you were with your partner, so he
was apologizing for the intrusion.

<< In the 10 minutes my friend was gone, this  happened twice
, each time being tapped from behind and verbally invited to  dance, and
each
time the man was extremely apologetic, even mortified, when I  declined
(always by explaining I was saving the first dance for my gentleman
friend). What
gives? >>

    You were trying to explain why you didn't want to dance.  All they
wanted was for you to walk out to the floor.  They were wrong for tapping
your shoulder.  That isn't how it is done.  They are playing a game, hoping
to win most of the time.  You surprised them.  Most tourists will smile,
stand up, and walk out to the floor to dance with these guys.

<<I would be tempted to write them off as clueless Americans, but they
didn't
appear to be such, which is to say, they were all quite charming and
reserved, well groomed, wearing nice suits, and native Spanish speakers. (No
offense
intended to my fellow clueless Americans, but I hope you know what I  mean,
and of course you are not all clueless.) One of them used the word ?sorry?
in
English but beyond that it was all Porteno-accented Spanish (as far as my
untrained ear could distinguish). >>

    They were clueless Argentines who haven't learned proper conduct of the
milonga.  They have made a point of learning the word sorry, so that they
can get out of the situation quickly.  They are being rejected at the table
and don't want to make it obvious to others in the room.


<<As I had just arrived, these men had no way of knowing whether I could
dance
my way out of a paper bag. Is it possible there were some other women  there
that these men were hoping to impress, so they were going to take any old
newcomer (me) for a spin just so they could display their wares and move on
to
the women they wanted to win dances with? >>

        These men couldn't impress anyone with their dance skills, because
they don't have any.  They were taking a chance that you wouldn't notice how
badly they danced.  They didn't care whether or not you could dance.  It's
just a numbers game for them.  They weren't going to win tandas with any
good dancers in the place.

<<Up to this point (at the other milongas I'd already visited in town) I'd
been quite charmed by the cabeceo, and felt a little thrill every time I got
the nod. But this was something else entirely, and sort of put me on edge.
What is  the proper response (if there is one) when such a thing happens?
I'd hate to  step on anyone?s toes (so to speak) but I also don't want to
perpetuate bad  manners. >>

    You fit in at other milongas and learned that the cabeceo from the table
is the way it is done.  Your response to these shoulder tappers is no
response at all--no turn of the head, no smile, not a word.  They get the
message loud and clear without saying anything.  You didn't step on anyone's
toes, nor did you give them a chance to step on yours.  We Americans are
raised to be good little girls with good manners so we don't hurt anyone's
feelings.  The situation happened in Buenos Aires.  Ignor the walkers, and
they'll go away.

<<Did they have bad manners? Did I have bad manners? Is it assumed that
this
is how one must ask foreigners (me) to dance, who might not know the
customs? >>

    When in Buenos Aires milongas, do as the portenos do.  Foreigners
shouldn't be treated any differently.  They should make it their business to
learn the customs before they arrive.

<<Even if that is the case, why would they want to dance with someone  who'd
just arrived (me), who might turn out to be a menace on the dance  floor?  I
tried to discuss it with  my kindly table neighbors, but either my Spanish
was
insufficient or they did  not consider it worthy of comment, as they just
rolled
their eyes and waved  their hands. >>

    Foreigners are prime targets by those who don't know how to dance.  You
stand out in a crowd.  They don't give a thought to whether or not you can
dance.  They are only interested the next ten minutes with you because
portenas refuse them.  They rolled their eyes because they're heard and seen
it all before many times.  You weren't the first tourist who had the
experience, and you certainly aren't the last.

    I have been teaching first-time visiters the codes and customs of the
milongas for several years.  I had to learn them by observing.  I have a
friend who has been dancing in BsAs for many years.  He still doesn't walk
his partner back to her table after a tanda and dances in the center of the
floor.