[LCM Articles] So, Three Guerrillas Walk Into a Bar...

[Loai Naamani]

So, Three Guerrillas Walk Into a Bar . . .

http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2006/08/14/AR2006081401
195.html 

By Nora Boustany
Washington Post Foreign Service
Tuesday, August 15, 2006; C01

BEIRUT -- With a bit of fortitude and loads of wit, there are laughs to be
had, even in wartime.

Barely a week into a war that sent the hopes of many Lebanese tumbling down
with their bridges, buildings and roads, stunned civilians trapped in the
crossfire started trading self-deprecating gags about their situation.

As sad as the tales of death and the exodus of 1 million people displaced
from their homes into empty schools and government buildings have been, the
Lebanese have found ways to make light of their own plight.

As one joke has it, residents fleeing the Shiite suburbs of Beirut were
flashing the victory sign -- to indicate that only two buildings were still
left standing.

It was followed by excited speculation that real estate values in the poor
neighborhood of Ain al-Rummaneh, a crowded cluster of aging buildings
overlooking the southern suburbs, had shot up by 50 percent. Why? It now has
a sea view.

People are petrified of honoring their dental appointments out of fear they
may have bridgework done, goes another favorite. So contagious have these
stories been that in one refugee center, Marwa Saad, 15, whose family was
driven out by fierce fighting near the southern market town of Nabatiyeh,
did not dare utter a word without covering her mouthful of braces.

"Everyone keeps teasing me; they bully me to keep my mouth shut so we don't
get hit by Israeli jets," she said about her friends, giggling with her hand
to her mouth.

Another story has Haifa Wehbe, the curvaceous bombshell of Lebanese music
videos, dispatched by the Hezbollah leadership to Israel to conduct
negotiations. She returns pregnant. When confronted about her condition, the
anecdote goes, Wehbe insisted she was only trying to help: "I thought I
would get you another small hostage."

Some jokes target the Syrians for causing the crisis by allowing arms to
flow to Hezbollah and pressuring the Lebanese government to let the group
keep its arms. One joke says the Israelis cannot aim at the Syrian
inhabitants of Homs. Why? Because the Israelis only have smart bombs.

Hezbollah leader Hassan Nasrallah is also the butt of some humor. The
elderly women of the Christian neighborhood of Ashrafiyeh regard Nasrallah
as their new idol and sex symbol, goes one line, because he has taken them
back 40 years.

Another joke extols Nasrallah, saying he is now worthy of a statue since he
managed to put the entire Shiite Muslim community, with its high rate of
illiteracy, in schools.

The most popular joke about this round of war in Lebanon is crafted around a
fictitious Archie Bunker-like figure who is a fumbling caricature of all the
failings of the Lebanese. During 30 years of war, jokes about the character,
Abul Abed, have carried many a social event into the early morning hours
with thigh-slapping, fall-off-the-chair laughter.

The latest installment recounts how Abul Abed calls Israeli Prime Minister
Ehud Olmert and boasts that he has four neighborhood thugs who will really
make life difficult for Israeli soldiers if they dare venture north of the
border. Olmert laughs and says that just one Israeli brigade could overrun
his whole neighborhood in hours. "I'll get back to you," barks Abul Abed.

When he calls Tel Aviv again, Abul Abed threatens to collect every bar
bouncer, alley hoodlum and thug from Tyre to Tripoli to fend off the Israeli
assault. Olmert simply tells him that he will send the air force, naval
fleet and ground forces to invade. "I'll call you after I have conferred
with my generals," Abul Abed says confidently.

He calls back boasting to Olmert that he has now collected thousands of
followers of the Abul Abed Movement who are ready with shoulder-mounted
rockets like the Mujahedeen of Afghanistan. Olmert whistles facetiously:
"You will be no match for the 2 million Israeli soldiers massed along the
border, ready to attack."

"Two million?" asks Abul Abed. "In that case I am going to have to
surrender. We simply do not have enough room to keep 2 million hostages."

C 2006 The Washington Post Company


http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2006/08/14/AR2006081401
195.html 

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