[Tango-L] Invitation & refusal

[Melina Sedo & Detlef Engel]

>

Hi all.


Dan asked:

>
>     In the end, and dare I raise the question, "Should  a woman ever  
> ask a
> man to dance" at a milonga that is? If they're friends, dance   
> partners
> etc. that's a different story. I don't think it generally fits in  
> with  the
> style, origins and etiquette of tango. My personal opinion.....well  
> let's  hear
> it from you all first.


My opinion as a woman and sort-of-traditionalist:

NOBODY (neither men nor women) should invite directly by asking  
someone to dance with him. If you're using the Cabeceo (Mirada) you  
don't have to and both (men and women) can take the initiative, as it  
is practised not only in BA, but in lots of other Milongas all over  
the globe.
The benfits of the Cabeceo have been discussed exhaustively. I try to  
spread the word of it wherever we go.

So, me practising the Cabeceo, I would never invite a man directly,  
unless he's a close friend. And I will also refuse most direct  
invitations, that are are not done by the Cabeceo or don't come from  
someone, whom I personally. I will do it politely and explain why.

But Dan's question rather could be read as: Should a women be allowed  
to invite a man directly?

And here's a YES from me!
In a setting where men are allowed to invite directly, why should  
women be not?
Hey! We're living in the 20th century. Why should women not be allowed  
to invite a man, rather than sit around all night, because they're not  
noticed or unknown or because nobody knows how to use the Cabeceo in  
that place. Go women! Do it politely, not being pushy and willing to  
accept a refusal. Same rights, same risks. ;-)

About refusals:
It's definetely not nice to refuse everyone, whom you believe to be a  
lower-level-dancer as yourself or not good-looking enough or too old.   
A refusal should not come too lightly, as it can hurt the person in  
question.
But nobody should be obliged to dance with someone out of  
misunderstood chivalry, potliteness or whatever. If you refuse  
someone, do it nicely, try not to be rude. But if you're feeling, that  
you would suffer, in case you danced with that specific person: Don't!
I've seen enough women (and men) shuffle around the dancefloor with  
bored, angry or painstruck expressions, and trying to mimick a  
friendly face between the dances. That's ridiculous and dishonest.
So, be brave and say "No", if you mean "No"!
And to those who invite directly: Please accept a polite refusal  
without being hurt or revengeful. If you are not willing to accept the  
refusal, please dont ask "Do you want to dance with me", because this  
is a question, that allows a "No". Just say: "You have to dance with  
me - now." That would be at least honest.

Have a nice day,


Melina



MELINA SEDO & DETLEF ENGEL
www.tangodesalon.de
www.youtube.com/tangodesalon
tango at tangodesalon.de
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