[Tango-L] Report from Buenos Aires #6: Social customs

[Shahrukh Merchant]

> Several years ago, somebody wrote on the list that you shouldn?t take
> photos or videos at milongas because some people don?t want to be seen
> with partners they aren?t married to. I thought this was strange but
> then the Argentine culture is different from the American culture.

Yes, I've seen this claim as well, and it's really quite ridiculous. The 
chances that a cheating couple are more likely to be found out by virtue 
of a photo taken by someone who lives in another country (this claim was 
made pre-Facebook and photo-sharing sites ...) than by the gossip mill 
of the milongas in Buenos Aires is rather far-fetched.

But it is unquestionably annoying to go to a Milonga to dance and have 
flashes going off every few seconds. For a milonga with a lot of 
tourists, it is unavoidable since by definition it's a photo-op for the 
tourists.

> Why? The Argentines have behavior codes. One of them is not to dance
> with somebody else?s life partner. Men don?t use cabeceo with a woman
> sitting at a table with another man. If the Argentines think that two
> people are a couple, men won?t ask and women won?t accept an
> invitation.

Yes and no. What you are referring to is the traditional rule that is 
not as rigidly followed. A more contemporary version would go something 
like this:

- If it is a traditional Milonga (e.g., Lo de Celia), a couple coming in 
together and requesting a table together will usually be seated at the 
back along the wall and be out of cabeceo range anyway. A couple who 
want to dance with others will need to request some other seating 
arrangement that leaves them more accessible to cabeceo;

- If a man and a woman are sitting together and "gazing into each others 
eyes," or holding hands, or are obviously very much into each other, 
then regardless of how traditional the Milonga is, it would be 
inappropriate to ask the woman to dance, or try to, and you should 
certainly except a refusal (accompanied by an "are you clueless or 
what?" look) if you try. I would never ask a woman in this situation (in 
any country)--even if they were having an animated conversation, there 
is an implicit intimacy that would be rude to break.

- If a man and a woman are seated together (regardless of whether they 
are a couple), and WISH to dance with others, they really need to signal 
with their body language that they are available (especially the woman). 
This means perhaps seating with the chairs angled slightly away from 
each other, chatting briefly while still looking outwards, etc. The man 
needs to help the woman appear available in this case as well by 
disconnecting from her somewhat so others know it is OK to invite her. 
This won't happen as much in traditional milongas like Lo de Celia 
(other than with non-Argentine couples, where the Argentine men will be 
only too happy to break their own rules to dance with her once they 
figure out that she's available while hypocritically commenting on how 
ungallant the man is by dancing with other women and letting "his woman" 
dance with other men).

There are innumerable variations and ultimately it comes down to 
awareness and common sense. The jealousy factor is high in Argentina and 
neither one of a couple on a "Milonga date" will dance with others 
(close mutual friends excepted) EVEN IF THEY WANT TO, since they know 
there will be hell to pay later!!

Expect these rules to continue to loosen and become more ambiguous with 
each passing year ...

Shahrukh