[Tango-L] Melina's essay, "rudeness in Tango, " Tango-L postings

[Nina Pesochinsky]

Shahrukh,

You are being very kind, just as you have been over so many years.   
You have witnessed tremendous (and fun!) flame wars, oh, like 11 years  
ago or so :)  And you have always been very gracious, taking care of  
things and the list.  So a million thanks for that!

In Argentina and all over the world, tango attracts hypersensitive  
people.  The social aspects of tango often provoke people in ways they  
don't expect.  Many become quite reactive, consciously or not.

Personally, I do not mind "flames".  I like fire.  It wipes out the  
old and makes new possible.  I like it when people are passionate  
enough and fearless enough to send me flames, because I might bring on  
them the flames of a dragon and they know it.  I respect that.  But  
then... maybe kindness from me is better.

I think that people become rude and reactive when they are triggered.   
Maybe they are very passionate about something.  What I do resent is  
strong feelings hidden behind a thin veil of politeness or "niceness".  
  I prefer direct agression over passive agression.  And so I conduct  
all flame wars, if ever, publically without keeping anything  
confidential.  I must say, I have not been involved in any really good  
flame war since some members left the list.  I kinda miss them.:)

People who have had thick enough skin to survive in tango have learned  
that they do matter, and how they treat others matters.

Anger (and, thus, "flames") usually means hurt feelings.  People are  
very sensitive in tango and about it.  When we had those old wars,  
people actually were passionate about tango.  They fought over it!   
They stood their ground, insulted each other, offended everyone around  
them, and then became the best of friends, while everyone who watched  
thought "Go figure!".

I am not advocating for the flame wars, but the early ones were fun.   
The later ones, the ones you are referring to, became nasty and not  
fun because there seemed to not be much substance.

In your post, Shahrukh, there is a lot of thought.  I know that this  
will keep reappearing because new people join the list.  And as the  
guardian of the list, you probably will see it all over again many  
times.

Warmest regards,

Nina



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