[Tango-L] Who leads what who follows what

[Astrid]

>I am lead.  Have been instructed to always lead very footfall of follow,
> every weight change of follow, every boleo, gancho usw..  Follow adds 
> style,
> follow adds embellishment.  I shape dance, she adds nuance.  I lead beats,
> phrasing, musical structure of dance.  Follow works within structure to
> create intricacy.
> Questions - How common is this attitude in tango?  Is this what most leads
> want?  What most follows want?  Is it de rigueur?

I have read the whole discussion and all the replies were great, so I won't 
quote them in detail. (I have not followed a discussion here with this much 
interest in quite a while, so I am happy).
I would just like to add a few things to the picture from a woman's 
perspective. Your question about this "attitude" being common sounds to me a 
bit like you are putting some value on it, in your case it sounds like a 
negative one. I used to feel like this a bit too in the beginning but I came 
to understand that there is a practical reason for this: since tango has no 
fixed movements and almost endless possible variations made from the 
elements, for sheer practical reasons there has to be an agreement on who 
follows and who leads. To the beginner this may look like this puts the man 
as the "leader" above the woman who is "merely" a follower, but it is 
actually not quite like that. My teacher pointed out that most of the 
woman's steps are more flamboyant and elaborate than the man's while the 
man's moves are rather simple and small and plain looking in comparison. So, 
yes, he is the center with her moving around him, and his job is to see 
which moves work best for her and to make her look as beautiful as possible. 
If a man does not follow this principle but rather forces his own routine 
steps on whoever the woman, the dance to her does not feel like an 
interesting conversation but rather like a boring tedious lecture that is 
wasting the beautiful opportunities that the music may be offering.
An Argentine lady once told me: "If I want to know if the man is a good 
dancer I look at the woman." If she looks like she is being thrown around, 
tense, uncomfortable, wears a bored or even pained expression on her face, 
it would be better for other women to stay away from this man. If she, on 
the other hand, has closed her eyes and her faces shows signs of blissful 
abandon, he must be doing a great job. There trick here is: it is not enough 
just to watch what step combinations they are using or how flamoboyant the 
moves are, because some people look great from the outside, but when you 
actually dance with them you find that they are just performing memorised 
choreography and their embrace is really uncomfortable, their lead is 
floppy, they dance by themselves or whatever. So watching the facial 
expressions is the key.
Aim for putting your woman (I hate the word "lead", I am not some function, 
I am made of flesh and blood and have personality, ok?) into this state of 
blissful abandon by leading her safely, gently and with feeling, while being 
sensitive to her, and giving her enough freedom to add her own qualities to 
the dance when she wants it.

Astrid