[Tango-L] Some people would complain if you hung them with a new rope...

[steve pastor]

So, would you tolerate "self appointed teachers" at your milonga? Your female students ASK the men to dance? And here I thought the "charming, face saving" custom known as the cabeceo was practiced at milongas.
  Perhaps you should offer your students the option of attending a practica, where you would encourage verbal communication among "self appointed teachers". It would be a chance for the women to learn what it is they are doing, or not doing, that makes the men not want to dance with them.
  I lived in the Midwest for a few years, near Madison, and in Superior, and know first hand that Midwesterners are known as polite people. It does not surprise me that the men don't want tell the women that they don't want to dance with them (but hiding in the bathroom?). Nevertheless, there is some misunderstanding in the social contract when the women approach the men and ask to dance, if the men are avoiding eye contact. How polite is that? Why do your men think that declining an offer to dance is rude? Being polite does not require that you always do what someone else wants you to do. 
  I happen to believe that the cabeceo is an extension of what people do all the time when interacting with other people. We have a tendency to look at people we are interested in. Conversely, if we don't want to interact with them, we avoid looking in their direction. As people get to know each other, the exchange of looks becomes more and more subtle. Maybe you should remind your female dancers of this most basic of human behaviors. 
  Back to the idea of a practica. I can tell you that if men who have spent a large amount of time, money, emotional, mental, and physical energy learning to do this dance competently have the opportunity to share what they have learned with women who are willing to accept input from someone who is not "the teacher", there is a good chance they will participate willingly. If on the other hand you insist that you are the only one who is "the teacher"... Good luck with getting the guys to show up.
  In summary... Heighten the perceptiveness of the women instead of thinking you have to fix the men.  Start a practica and encourage the free exchange of information.
   
  P.S. The only place I see my posts without returns at the end of the lines is on TangoL. Trying to put the returns in manually is extremely onerous. Surely someone can write a patch to fix that display?
   
  

Lois Donnay <donnay at donnay.net> wrote:
  That's a beautiful saying from my stalwart Minnesota family. We 
Minnesotans are
all very good at suffering, and very proud of our ability to withstand the
worst without complaint. Just look at our weather!

Well, I guess that was before some of us started dancing tango. I keep getting
asked by some of my students - leaders - how they can get out of dances
gracefully. It seems that once they get good - and I am proud to say I to turn
out great leaders - women are hounding them for dances. So much so, that they
have to hide or spend unusual amounts of time in the bathrooms in order to
avoid being rude.

Of course, my inclination is to tell them that before they started tango they
would have given their eye teeth to have such a problem, and they should just
be grateful to be in such demand, but they tell me this issue is ruining their
enjoyment of the dance. They would like me to ask followers to wait to be
asked.

I understand that some women can't afford as many lessons as it may 
take to get
good at this dance. It is possible some feel that lessons are not so necessary
for followers. (I find that whole idea that a woman can be a good 
follower in 3
months while it takes a leader a year to be total hogwash-it requires at least
as much work for followers, if not more). I definitely understand that a poor
follower can wreck a leader's bakc (I lead a lot, too) But leaving women who
are still working on their skills on the sidelines is not a good idea either.
If they stop coming to milongas because no one will dance with them, 
what's the
point?

Of course, we also have a little problem of women only wanting to dance 
with the
best leaders - whether or not they are at their level.

Any solutions?


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