[Tango-L] Cabaceo, again

[Trini y Sean (PATangoS)]

Hi JK,

Trini, here.  As one formerly (painfully) shy and insecure
person to another, I understand your reluctance completely.
 Outside of tango, I am actually quite reserved and I am
still not comfortable at parties unless I am with my more
outgoing husband.  From my perspective, I was quite glad
that cabeceo was not used in my community when I started
tango.  With my Asian upbringing, looking someone directly
in the eye is still uncomfortable. 

It took me years to get over my shyness.  But overcoming
shyness in tango means overcoming shyness outside of tango.
 Here are a few things that might help you or other shy
dancers.

1.  Don’t think for a moment that anyone else is better
than you are. They may be better dancers, but they are not
better than you.  Being turned down for a dance doesn’t say
anything about who you are.  It may say something about
your dancing, but we all have flaws in our dancing.  Big
deal.

2.  Practice overcoming shyness with strangers.  Say
"hello", "thank you", or "have a good day" to your sales
clerk, waitress, mailman, whoever.  Or make a comment about
the weather.  And smile.

3.  After classes or workshops, make a point to say
something to your teacher about something they may have
said that you particularly liked or simply thank them for
the class.  I began by attending lunchtime lectures at my
local library.  After the lecture, I made sure to thank the
lecturer tell them how much I enjoyed it.  Over time, I got
a little braver and related their work to something I was
doing.

4.  Quite often people enjoy helping other people, sharing
information, and just being good eggs.  The same is
probably true for you.  (If someone asked you for
directions, you’d try to help them out, right?)  That’s one
reason why Sean’s suggestion of asking questions about them
really works.  Ask them about a hobby or a trip they took
or where they bought their shoes or suggestions for a good
restaurant nearby.  And pay attention to their answer.  

5.  When visiting a new city, try to take a class or email
the organizer before your visit about the local milonga
scene.  

6.  Practice giving without expecting anything in return. 
So volunteer for setups or cleanups at milongas (always
appreciated).  The insincerity of giving and expecting
something in return is easily spotted.  And it makes you
feel good about yourself.

7.  If you see a woman and you’re impressed with her
dancing, tell her.  But don’t tell her because you want to
get a dance with her then and there (see #6).  Just tell
her, anyway.  It will help you build the confidence to ask
her or another woman later.

8.  Keep working on your basics.  The better you are doing
simple steps to the music, the more the ladies will
recommend you to their friends.  And the easier it will be
to get dances.

9.  The earlier you get to a milonga, the easier it usually
is to ask someone directly to dance (there’s less people so
there’s less likelihood of being turned down).  Then there
is also more time for the ladies to recommend you to their
friends.  Use the time to settle in and get in the tango
mood.

For myself, the cabeceo usually doesn’t work except with my
regular "dates".  Partly because I usually don’t have my
glasses on at milongas, but mostly because I now chat with
people a lot.  So the most likely way of getting my
attention is to just come on over and say hello.

Hope this helps,
Trini de Pittsburgh


--- Tango Mail <tango at springssauna.com> wrote:

> Yet again, let's talk about the eye game.
> 
> I was recently out of town, and experienced something
> that I've experienced before in other cities and in
> Canada.
> People don't know the eye game! 
> 
> I am a slightly shy person who is a little insecure about
> his own dancing, appearance, etc. 
> I try to avoid the dreaded "walk" at any costs 

PATangoS - Pittsburgh Argentine Tango Society 
Our Mission: To make Argentine Tango Pittsburgh's most popular social dance. 
http://www.pitt.edu/~mcph/PATangoWeb.htm


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