[Tango-L] Surrender: Trying again

[TangoDC.com]

Indeed, I find myself in the odd position of supporting Sergio's 
gender-roles point here (which I'm allegedly not able to understand, as 
an American; but never mind that). Many, many women do not understand 
the Leader's role in the dance, and the ponderous burden he carries. 
Often, they just seek pleasure, without beginning to perceive the depth 
of the relationship from which their pleasure derives.

This is why, in an earlier post, I remarked that dancing is frequently 
just a shallow thrill. I hope I was not misconstrued as saying that it's 
Never more than that.

This is also why I don't frown upon women who violate the strict "code" 
of gender roles, and learn how to lead. One of its many benefits is that 
a follower comes to understand what Else the leader is preoccupied with, 
in addition to his partner. (It has other benefits, such as fun, but 
that's another discussion.)

So, a big thank you to Trini for backing me up here. A big thank you to 
Sergio for dropping the term "surrender" into the blender. And a big 
thank you to Caroline for taking this matter seriously, and starting us 
off with some particular examples.

Also-- Caroline, I'm not trying to quash your earlier post. I don't know 
your partner, and I don't know his obstacles. But I do know that many a 
man has been breezed off course by the follower's explanation of things, 
when the follower treats the complexity of this dance reductively-- 
whether the box into which she puts everything be pleasure, or moves, or 
what have you. The couple you witnessed may have been a good example of 
the tango's redemption of life, and the leader there may very well have 
been doing everything in his power to give his partner a sense of 
transport. But I think you're seeing the Effect only; and I think your 
partner, from the sound of it, is tangled up in the Cause side of things.

Do men really get no pleasure in the tango? Of course not. We enjoy it 
quite a lot. That's why some of us dance five or six nights a week, and 
practice on top of it. But we cannot (or should not, at least) enjoy it 
selfishly, and put pleasure first, because it will make the dance fall 
apart. Ours is a more remote satisfaction most of the time-- we take 
pleasure in witnessing our partner's pleasure.

No-- actually, I'm going to give you an outright lie, because it'll 
probably clear up a lot. (If not for you, then perhaps for someone out 
there reading in silence.) Men do not enjoy the tango At All. We suffer 
and strain to give our partners a good time. We are in extreme pain, 
even during cortinas. The only reason we don't fall down is because we 
have a moral duty to stand up, like the columns in a ruined temple. We 
push our cars to the milonas; we arrive, stoic and Spartan; selfless; 
sacrificed; with stab-wounds deep enough for light to shine through, 
hidden under our shirts. All so a dame can dance a nice molinete, and 
show off her flirty heels. We do it because we are men, with 
steam-engine hearts, telephone-pole personalities, and brows God meant 
for shaping bricks. We chew on magnets to relieve stress. We are so 
gravely immune to enjoyment, it's a wonder we can move, but we do it for 
your sake. Or your shoes', if you're wearing Comme il Faut.

Now, if you can understand this, and then go out to happily hunt your 
next moment of pleasure, and feel not even the edge of a pang of Guilt, 
I think that's commonly known as "salsa dancing."

So yes, it may be a great compliment to us if we can hide this 
Piranesian hell from our dance partners. But I've danced with more than 
a few women who, right off the bat, seek a shallow pleasure, expect it, 
do nothing to make it happen, and feel offended because they didn't get 
their kick. Do these dancers need more lessons? Maybe. Or maybe they 
need to surrender their inane craving for "pleasure," have a lump of 
chocolate, and come back to the dance floor with something approaching 
Satiety, so that they aren't disappointed when a man, doing his utmost 
to keep her free from collisions, fails to build her a kingdom of magic 
abandon.

Not that I'm accusing anyone in particular of doing this.

Jake Spatz
DC


Trini y Sean (PATangoS) wrote:
> Sorry, Caroline, but based on how much I hear women
> complain about the men (these are guys who are just
> inexperienced as opposed to really bad), I'd say that
> followers on average do not understand how hard the
> men must work.  I do not hear men complain about the
> women nearly as much.  Comments from some of my male
> students indicate that it takes longer for them to
> enjoy tango than women.  Could be a reason for the
> gender imbalance that is common in some cities.
>
> When I dance the man's part, there are very few women
> with whom I can dance freely because they are very
> good followers.  Jake presents good reasons why women
> still need to continue taking classes and studying.
>
> Trini de Pittsburgh
>
> --- Caroline Polack <runcarolinerun at hotmail.com>
> wrote:
>
>   
>> Hi Jake,
>>
>> after reading your post, I got this impression,
>> perhaps falsely so, that 
>> leaders are not enjoying tango at all! I am pretty
>> sure every follower 
>> respects the responsibility the leader has and
>> furthermore appreciates it.
>>     
>
>
> PATangoS - Pittsburgh Argentine Tango Society 
> Our Mission: To make Argentine Tango Pittsburgh's most popular social dance. 
> http://www.pitt.edu/~mcph/PATangoWeb.htm
>
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