[Tango-L] Men and classes

[Caroline Polack]

Jake,

I feel as though you are misconstruing some things.

No one blames their partner - they are merely observing that some partners 
are better than others. But that's part of life, law of nature. I had said 
this before many times, I'd rather dance the most simple of tangos with the 
man who has the best sense of musicality than dance the most complex of 
steps with a man who doesn't have the spirit of tango. My partner thinks 
that to look good, he has to make me do very fancy steps with big kicks, not 
knowing that it was inappropriate for the song that was playing or the kind 
of milonga we were at. I've always had to tell him many times to keep it 
simple, especially because he was not good enough to attempt the fancier 
stuff - and by that, I mean, bad balance or not letting me finish a step 
before he moves onto the next one or having such a weak embrace/weak core 
that I have to grip onto his arms so as to not go flying off the floor when 
he spins me around. The most common problem of a beginner leader, I find, is 
a weak touch. His hand that is holding me, there should be a touch of 
resistance if I push my hand against his, if he holds his left hand too far 
back instead of keeping his elbow ahead of his ribcage, he's making his arm 
weak, and thus not very supportive when support is needed. Good leaders have 
excellent support in their arms and shoulders and always lean a bit forward. 
Bad leaders have weak arms and lean a little too far back or lean too far 
forward from the waist and they don't move their shoulders.

I mean, when it all comes  down to it - we love tango because of its love 
music expressed through dancing, steps come second. I don't have issues with 
my partner because he doesn't know the steps, I have issues with his 
approach - it's very uptight and tense.

Secondly, you talk about helping one's partner get better. Well, I can't 
force my partner to be better nor am I going to deny myself the opportunity 
to dance with people who are at my level, not his. There's a saying "you can 
only help those who want to help themselves." I've done everything in my 
power to help my partner and he still doesn't get it because he is not 
assimilating feedback.  I've now realized that tango is a lie detector - you 
can't hide who you are in your dancing. If you're uptight, it shows, if 
you're insecure it shows, if you're a happy person, that shows too. As it 
turns out, my partner is vey proud and hates not looking good and hates it 
even more when he's being corrected in public, no matter if it's in class, 
practica or at a milonga. That kind of attitude is what impedes learning and 
what makes him look bad and what makes him get rejected at milongas. If he's 
not willing to get over himself and his pride, he's going to have a very 
difficult time improving.

You say you can't understand why a follower, after a certain point, can only 
improve with a good leader. Is it obvious to everyone except you? I am way 
ahead of my partner and now make an effort to dance with good leaders for 
two reasons: to learn and to enjoy myself. If you get to a point where your 
partner is actually holding you back from improving or influencing you with 
his bad habits- then you have to decide if you are going to be content with 
that or if you want to keep learning by dancing with better leaders. I am 
still taking classes with my partner simply because he asked me to and I 
agreed because he's a good friend. I am tempted many times to take classes 
without him because I really don't enjoy dancing with him but no, I am 
sticking by him and practicing with him because outside of tango, he does 
many things for me. Does that mean  that I can't go practice without him, 
not at all. Does that mean I am a bad or selfish person for wanting to dance 
with other people as well, not at all!

You can you can hardly follow a good leader - I find that's quite 
commonplace for many men. I've even seen male teachers struggle to follow, 
as if it goes entirely against their grain to follow - although I suspect 
it's ego that was being affronted. Whenever I see a man struggling to follow 
- I feel a bit gratified because it's like "See! It's not that easy now, is 
it?"

Also, how can a good follower raise a novice leader up a notch when he's the 
one doing the leading and it's bad taste to correct them if you happen to be 
at a milonga? I've danced with some beginner leaders from my school and this 
is what I've noticed - they never ask for feedback, they never ask how they 
can improve. If they did, I would have been glad to help them but otherwise 
I keep my mouth shut because I know how it was a monumental act of courage 
for them just to show up at a milonga. Second thing I've noticed is that 
simply put - a man really doesn't like to be corrected by a woman, they just 
don't.  A classic example would be that a man never asks for directions or 
read the instructions, their male ego just won't let them. if a woman tries 
to help, it's even worse. (I am thinking of a car trip to Boston with my ex, 
he absolutely refused to ask for directions nor to accept my navigational 
skills and as a result, we got lost many times, usually in the middle of the 
night in the middle of nowhere. If he would have just put aside his ego and 
actually listen, we could have saved ourselves many a fight).

When I see male students being corrected, I can see that they don't take it 
well as if it was personal. They get easily embarrassed and flustered and 
then quit.  Women, on the other hand, are very receptive and soak up every 
little bit of information they can get and they hardly ever quit. I also 
find that men always think they are right. Many times in class, when I tried 
to point out to my partner the correct way to do a step, we would argue 
until a teacher would step in and say to my partner that he should have 
listened to me. A man simply does not like to admit that a woman is right. 
So again, how does an advanced follower teacher a novice leader if that's 
the mindset he's going to have?

One complaint I've often heard from male beginner leaders is that their 
partner would lead too much. Then I would tell them to say something. In my 
beginner's class, I had a tendency to lead instead of waiting to see what my 
partner would do next. He quickly got rid of that bad habit of mine by 
making me wait, pivoting me, for upwards to one minute before he would make 
his next move. And each time, I failed to follow properly, he would make me 
wait again and again until he got his point across. if a woman is now in 
intermediate level and still leading by stepping ahead of her partner, it's 
his fault for not making her stop doing that. How's a woman supposed to know 
if her partner doesn't point it out and make her stop?

I think men take longer to learn because their ego is slowing them down.  
Many times when I would talk with beginner leaders at milongas, I would ask 
them why aren't they asking women to dance, and they would say they didn't 
want to embarrass themselves and that they were just there to watch and 
listen to the music. So I would ask them to dance with me and I find that 
they really do get very nervous, thinking the whole world can see how bad 
they are. Everybody was a beginner once, I would remind them, every single 
person in this room, no matter how good they are, was once a beginner.

And I've been hearing over and over again from men on this list - that women 
always complain that they are not being "taken care of" or that men don't 
let them show off their embellishments. It's so strange  to me because I've 
never once heard a woman complain that a man doesn't let her show off. Not 
even once. I complain though if women get too carried away with kicks and 
long steps because I've got nicks and bruises to prove that such things 
really don't belong at a Milonga. In the beginning, I didn't say anything 
because I didn't know better but now that I've become a regular at Milongas, 
I now know that there's a time and place for different styles of tango. If 
you've got lots of room on the floor, fine, do your adornments and kick up 
your heels all you want but in a crowded room, please exercise some 
commonsense and consideration. Embellishments have their time and place, you 
can't just do them anytime at will with complete disregard for the music or 
the space around you. if you do, you would look like a fool and even worse, 
a show-off. Last milonga I went to, I saw a beautiful young woman do 
embellishments every third step, it seemed. She was technically very good 
but I thought it ridiculous to do so many embellishments in one song, it 
seemed as if she so badly wanted to say "look at me! look at me!". Less is 
more.

And finally, at my school, intermediate and advanced students join in 
beginner's classes to help balance out the male-female ratio and also to get 
more practice. I would be glad to step in and help out if it weren't for the 
fact that there were already too many women and not enough men.

So Jake, and other disgruntled men on this list - if you have an issue with 
a partner - either tell her or don't dance with her anymore - either way, 
she'll get the point. Only time I refuse to dance with a man is when I know 
his insecurity and ego is going to get in the way of enjoyment.

Caroline



"If you find yourself, man or woman, _blaming_ your partners, go to a
beginner's class, where that excuse doesn't count. Learn there to _give_
a good dance. The odds are stacked in your favor. It ought to be nearly
effortless, unless you're also a beginner.

I'm not talking about charity or pity dances either. I'm talking about
the selflessness that underlies all teamwork. The playmaker attitude,
not the all-star grin.

Followers who have trouble finding their voice in the dance, or who are
under the impression that everything depends on their partner, might
especially benefit from this particular more-than-an-exercise. I have no
idea why so many women are convinced that, when they've reached a decent
level of skill, only a good leader can help them really dance. A good
leader can make Me dance, and I can barely follow at all (according to
my standards, at least). If a woman is really something, she can shine
in the arms of a novice, and raise him up a notch while she's at it.
Vice versa for leaders."

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